2-Week Crash Diet Schedule

10am: Take morning meds. Feed my sister’s cats. She’s gone to India for a few weeks and left me to take care of things here. It’s the perfect opportunity to take this diet seriously, away from prying eyes. It’s been a while since I’ve been on my own (her roommate is gone for the summer). I set my own schedule, eat and sleep and work when I want. Her cats can’t meow right, so they chirp at me till I fill up their bowls then hobble back to bed (unless there are early morning meetings).

1-3pm: (Attempt to) wake up

3pm: I usually drink my coffee with a bunch of creamer and caramel syrup in it, loaded up with calories, but a miracle cure has landed in my lap. Ferret Two’s roommate has a Nespresso machine that brews out just a perfect shot of espresso. I pour some cold foam out of a can, and that’s it. At 25 calories, it’s the perfect drink and just sweet enough for me. Breakfast is coffee and a cigarette.

4pm: An hour of idle scrolling on the phone later, I finally open up my laptop to squint at my emails. It’s mostly junk and spam and ads. I delete them carefully and answer the important ones. I send off some job applications, harass any recruiter I come across, and fiddle with the pitch deck for my writing group.

Anytime: Eat safe foods. It took me a lot of calculating and cross-referencing and fact checking, but I’ve realized to stay on track, for this to be over as fast as possible, I need to be on a 1500 calorie deficit every day. I’ve never counted calories before. It’s exhausting. I’ve spent a lifetime eating whatever junk the hell I want, skating by on a quick metabolism, no consequences. And now I’m paying for it. It’s really not my fault. It’s the lithium, long gone, but still remaining almost 30 pounds on my body. It’s damn near impossible to kick bad eating habits overnight, but I grit my teeth and give it my best. Ten grapes at a time. Two slices of prosciutto. Four watermelon cubes. One cup veggie straws. And so on. I track the entries into the journal app I’ve had since college and it adds up the calories from each. Never to go over 500 calories a day.

7pm: Go swimming. This is my favorite part. I love to swim. I can spend an hour in the pool like that. It’s also the most efficient way to burn calories. 10 calories a minute, and no sweating, no crying, just swooshing through silky blue waters. The pool at my sister’s apartment is at its best at 7pm. The sun is gentle, and there’s usually nobody there. A few leaves drift along the surface, as shadows creep by. I put my phone on the edge and turn the volume all the way up on the same Joy Division song I keep listening to, the soundtrack to this episode. The turquoise water is cold at first, lapping gently, but after a quick plunge, the sting goes away. It always takes me a while to get started, standing at the shallow end, arms wrapped around myself, cursing. I can’t go earlier in the day when it’s warmer, because I tan and sear like a tuna steak under the blistering summer sun. I hate getting tanned. I’m very conceited about my complexion. It’s just right.