Just a collection of my thoughts, rants, tirades, old diary entries, and notes. (Trigger warnings: #mentalillness #selfharm #violence #gore #foullanguage #sexual content #eatingdisorders #substanceabuse)
BLOG
-
testimony of summer nights, of cherry tarts
summertime makes one believe in god, the way one believes in a perfect slice of cherry tart, in the way it’s heaped up with the sweet cream, rivaling the sour of the cherry,…
-
My Farewell to Audrey: “How much Tylenol does it take to kill a cat?”
I hope that you know, you’ve always been the best cat you could ever be. I’m beyond lucky that I got to meet you and love you, even if for a bit. I…
-
The Supercut of Us
Separate the good from the bad like the white of the egg from the yolk. The beginning of a great, but doomed romance. He held my hair back for me every time I…
-
The 7 Deadly Sins
I can resist anything but temptation. It’s the longing, the bone-deep ache of wanting something so badly, it tears you apart, mind and soul, flesh and blood. It’s all you can think about.…
-
The Clinic, Part 02: They call us the Brat Pack
Throughout the clinic the real cold war wages, slithering through the navy blue furniture, snaking up the nurses’ station, slamming windows shut in outrage, half-empty soda cans piling up on one side of…
-
The Clinic, Part 01: The winter of compliance
“Hello good people of Seattle, you are in danger. I repeat, you – let go of me – let – you’re in DANGER – stop it! They might – ah – might try…
-
2-Week Crash Diet Schedule
10am: Take morning meds. Feed my sister’s cats. She’s gone to India for a few weeks and left me to take care of things here. It’s the perfect opportunity to take this diet…
-
Rock bottom, 8:32pm: A truly George Costanza moment
George: It’s not working, Jerry. It’s just not working. Jerry: What is it that isn’t working? George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I…
-
Disco Inferno (??)
As the bus cruises along the smooth asphalt road, jade green hills and stony mountains emerge on all sides, filling up the wide expanse of the sky. I’m on my way north, to…
-
I’m the one they call for the dirty work
“I haven’t gotten my period and I’m worried,” says my friend Renee, over a group FaceTime one day. “If you need me to push you down the stairs, I’ll book a flight,” I…
-
5 things I do for fun
1. I like to get on a random bus and let it take me wherever it wants to. There’ s a secret thrill in traveling all over the city at a steady 20mph,…
-
What are the chances that I’d be here today
I thought once I’d finished typing it all up, it would be over. The worst would be over. Doing all that work, scribbling ferociously, looking over my shoulder all the time, hammering away…
-
For the First Time in My Life I Wish I Were ANYBODY Else
The days have become sticky. I’m sitting on the table at a pancake restaurant, gobbling glassfuls of orange juice and crispy, burnt bacon that ignites the back of my throat. I’m sure the…
-
THE END IS HERE: WELCOME TO THE NIGHTMARE
A nameless entity, just referred to as ze, takes over my entire life, nose-to-tail. Ze, zir, zirself, like so. Ze tells me how to eat, when to sleep, what to do with every…
-
Getting dinner with a friend
These fries are so good, it’s the Cajun seasoning that does it for me, I cried myself to sleep last night, I’ve got baby fever but only when I’m around Aaron, does that…
-
Divine intervention, on the road
A seriously theological discussion is taking place in the car, on the drive back to Bloomington from Chicago after Thanksgiving. It’s just me and my sisters in the car, a three-armed-power-team. We all…
-
Getting laid off: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one
It’s the gentle slope of mid-morning and I’m in bed, propped up by pillows, laptop balanced on my knees. I’m the only one in the apartment. There’s a ping on my calendar for…
-
subway stop between 31st and nowhere
It is after the plague hit. It is New York City. It is April. A train goes by, spurring warm dust on my cheeks, faces pass me, unknown, lit in the unworldly glow…
-
Things in my bag
Things in the slouchy, black satchel from Calvin Klein I’ve carried around since high school: My laptop, a gray thing, sleek, with a keyboard that punches nicely when I’m hammering away at a…
-
Puking on the Polaroid I stole of my boss’s wife
I’m obsessed with him. I’m juggling three boyfriends and I’m still obsessed with him. Head of the broadcast team, I don’t know if he’s my father, my boss, a lover, a mentor, an…
-
Lenox Hill Hospital
It’s dawn in the hospital and we’re swimming around the carpet in various stages of psychosis. A manic will skip in every now and again, but it’ll be several hours before any of…
-
Getting kicked out of the sex club
It’s the warmest January New York City has had in years. The sky is hard, the plants are quiet in slumber and iced dreams. There’s a grainy sort of worry that comes with…
-
Best of my Quotev Statuses; Circa 2013-2016
A selection of posts I wrote on the fanfiction website Quotev that I was highly active on through my teenage years, under the username pi: piBuzzfeed is legit the most shook place on…
-
Bumpy start to the good life!!
I’m listening to my boss talk about the Goldman Sachs account, wide-eyed, feeling blood trickle down my thighs. As a newbie in the corporate labor force, I didn’t know my rights or privileges…
-
I know the police are coming, but I can’t move
I’m crouched at the edge of the curb, but it’s a cliff. The sidewalk is very far away, but the ants crawling around a spilled ice-cream cone look gigantic. Something is terribly, terribly…
-
The Lost Years
The golden faces of the Chicago skyline smile at the bare sky. The express lanes are closed. The windows are dark, lifeless. A flight to Italy is two hundred dollars. Something strange has…
-
Fall.in.Los.Angeles
There was charcoal dust on my boob. I looked down, wondering if I could blow it off instead of using my hand. I exhaled softly as a cloud of black puffed out. Miss…
-
How I make my coffee
I don’t know where along the ride a cup of coffee got complicated. All you really need is some cream and sugar. We weren’t allowed to have any ‘adult drinks’ so we stole…
-
Bloodbath for a lemon tart
It’s been three days. Three whole fucking days of craving a lemon tart. And not just any lemon tart, specifically like the kind we used to get back at Bengal Club in India.…
-
Things I’m certain of
That lemon tarts taste good, my acne scars will eventually fade, I will look in the mirror with softer eyes, that we’re not as alone as we think, the sun will rise again…
-
What isn’t living can’t really die
It takes about a week. Apparently, while I was locked in the ward with my screams and raging, a brand new disease was taking over the world. It was coming from the eastern…
-
The consequences of an Adderall bender
Here’s how the problem starts. The first round of tests and papers are upon us. Spring semester is bitter. The hangover of holiday spirits is miserable and nauseating. All of a sudden there’s…
-
Drinks as mental disorders
Depression: flat Sprite Bipolar Disorder: lemonade with peas in it PTSD: popping boba tea ADHD: unblended fruit smoothie Anxiety: sparkling water Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: any drink, but the glass fills up no matter how…
-
Macy’s, Stockholm Syndrome, & Jazz Music
“Do you want it in a bag or wrapped up in a box?” I ask, my hands clutching the side of the counter to keep my balance. The world is shivering slightly, as…
-
Kindred Spirits
The Laurel to my Hardy, the Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley is my best friend, Violet. We listen to Bach cantatas on vinyl on my dining room floor. It takes me weeks…
-
The Antipsychotic Wars
I’m at a time in my life when the creatures for my imagination really want to test the limits of what I could do, and how much others around me could take. The…
-
Leaving My Parents’ House in a Police Car
I’ve been waiting for freedom for a long time, and now, with less than an hour left on the clock, I’m panicking. It’s the last day of school and the air is mad…
-
“PROM”: the first of many dances
In the east room in a house in Bloomington, Indiana, among the evergreens and white picket fences, away from the color lines, an important toilette is being made. Alice has come over with…
-
Real or not real?
Reality is difficult for everyone, especially those of us with marble imaginations, who can’t sit still at our desks, who want to dissolve into the night sky and laugh when we’re dreaming pastel. …
-
My first drink, a rum and Coke
It’s quiet and dark in the aircraft, everyone is sleeping. Eighteen hours, direct flight, Delhi to Chicago. The little plane icon on the screen in front of me shows we’re somewhere over the…
-
The Sports Day Rat Race and Its Implications
I learned an important lesson today. Well not exactly, the significance of the lesson was lost on me that day. It came back to me years later, a sudden snake rising out of…
-
Hailstorm in the summertime
We don’t go anywhere and things can get boring up here. We’re totally like Rapunzel but at least we have each other. Okay but she did have that gecko. That thing was cute.…
-
Grandpa’s Death
It’s not quite the dead of the night. The lights in the living room are still on, fan whirring softly like a mechanical beetle. My mom is half asleep in the study, next…
-
In the Beginning, There was the Discontinuity
Our apartment in Calcutta was in an old but whimsical building. It had flecked marble floors and sunbathed rooms where the leaves of potted plants nodded lazily at the windows that had a…
Schizoposting 
